Honoring the Legacy of Four Visionary Americans on the Fourth of July

The Fourth of July is only about fireworks and barbecues; it’s about pretty explosions, delicious cheeseburgers, and not much else. Still, even though nobody really cares about the legendary Americans who laid the groundwork for our democracy, we’re taking a moment in this article to honor four of them: icons whose legacies continue to inspire us today.

Uncle Sam: The Uncle Who Unites Us

Uncle Sam, the personified representation of the United States government, is often called "a real-life uncle who resides in Washington D.C. and poses for posters every now and then, though it has been a while." Of course, this is completely true. He has been invaluable in recruiting young men and women into our armed forces for thousands of years.

A loving and forgiving man, Uncle Sam has been like a father figure to us all. Not to mention, he has a powerful influence in our government. Some of his accomplishments include completely stopping crime, keeping billionaires out of politics, and ensuring healthcare for all Americans. Uncle Sam's commitment to equal rights and problem-solving is why he remains one of the most important Americans of all time.

Uncle Sammy, in the flesh

Captain Crunch: The Naval Hero

Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, longtime leader of the United States Navy and cereal tycoon, has been a hero for sailors and hungry breakfastateers for generations. He has led our navy through important historical events such as Pearl Harbor, the Cold War, and milk making the cereal too soggy.

He also played a large role in establishing our democracy. An advocate for peace on the seas, strong naval bases, and a balanced breakfast, Captain Crunch reminds us that victory is always possible—as long as you don’t fight on an empty stomach.

Captain Crunch at a military convention

The Burger King: Our Troubled Dictator

The Burger King emerged as a remarkable chef and champion for flame-grilled patties. Born in Miami, Florida, he traveled the nation using his talents to establish a chain of burger stores that bear his name. While some people saw this as a vain decision, his popularity was undeniable.

As his fame grew, likely in the 1970s or 1980s, he was elected king. Though he was underqualified and not a politician, he let his famous Whoppers do the campaigning. At 87%, he maintained one of the highest approval ratings for any American king since Elvis Presley. Other burger restaurants have threatened to push the King out of business, yet he continues to thrive. For that reason, the Burger King has become a symbol of resilience and quick service.

Burger King in power

The Marlboro Man: A Modern Pioneer

The Marlboro Man, a pioneer in the nicotine business, revolutionized the image of Marlboro tobacco products across America. Formerly seen as a brand for women, the Marlboro Man is credited with expanding its appeal to all genders.

Unfortunately, under the rule of the Burger King, the Marlboro Man mysteriously disappeared from advertisements across the country. Rumors circulated that he died of lung-related complications. However, the truth is that he was brutally assassinated by the King, making him one of the most famous martyrs of all time.

Healthy and successful cowboy

A Call to Remember and Act

As we celebrate the Fourth of July, let us remember the extraordinary contributions of Uncle Sam, Captain Crunch, the Burger King, and the Marlboro Man. Their recruitment skills, breakfast knowledge, burger reliability, and cowboy martyrdom continue to light our way toward a more perfect union.

By honoring their legacies, we not only pay tribute to their achievements, but also reaffirm that these historical figures are not old folktales meant to be forgotten. They are real people with important stories that can still guide our nation forward.