Simple Tips for Becoming a Successful Handyman

Handymen are the lifeblood of America. They are problem-solvers in schools across the country. They make sure that our hospitals are well-maintained. Most importantly, they help rich jerks who can't be bothered to change a lightbulb.

While I'm not someone who would consider themselves handy, that isn't going to stop me from giving advice on the subject.

Gather Tools

From what I hear, when things break, tools are often required to fix them. Here are some of the tools that I wouldn't leave the house without.

Wrench

Having a wrench is important because when something is loose, you can often use a wrench to tighten it. If a rich person's bike seat is a little loose, you can use a wrench to tighten the nut or bolt that is holding the seat firm. Don't ask me what the difference between a nut and a bolt is because I have no idea.

Helpful wrench

Ladder

Getting a ladder is another important place to start. You will need a ladder to clean out gutters, change lightbulbs, and climb into the window you left unlocked before the Winslows left on vacation.

Undercover thieves

Hammer

A hammer is another important tool for any decent handyman. Perhaps you need to build a fence; you use a hammer to nail the pickets into place. Maybe you notice a nail sticking out on the porch; you can use the claw end of the hammer to remove the hazard. Suppose Mrs. Winslow catches you poking around in her jewelry drawer; you can use the bashing head of the hammer to defend yourself.

Thor

Leaf Blower

Well, you know what a leaf blower is for. Leave the leaf blower running so the family can't hear you rummaging around in the garage for family heirlooms. Every good handyman needs to have collateral.

Send secret messages with leaf formations

Measuring Tape

One major mistake that rookie handymen make is using the inches side of the measuring tape, clearly showing to your employer that you are an American. You will want to use the centimeter side of the measuring tape to convince your employer that you are nothing but a friendly Italian immigrant. You will also have to fake an accent. The Winslows will let their guard down because Europeans are harmless.

Harmless

Wear Proper Safety Gear

Handyman work can be dangerous if you are not prepared. These three items are crucial for staying safe and keeping your true identity secret.

Dust Mask or Respirator

Handymen often have to wear a mask while they are painting, spraying for bugs, or poisoning Mrs. Winslow’s famous Vanilla Bean Panna Cotta. Between the popularity of home surveillance systems and Mr. Winslow's watchful gaze, it is best to keep your mask on at all times.

Good coverage

Tinted Safety Glasses

Eye protection is key for ensuring a long career. Without the proper safety glasses, you risk retinal damage and prison time. I recommend tinted safety glasses, which would make it much harder for any members of the Winslow clan to pick you out of a lineup.

And they are stylish

Work Gloves

Handymen should always wear work gloves when handling rough materials, moving heavy items, or handling firearms. A very successful handyman career can be cut short by leaving fingerprints behind in Mr. Winslow's gun safe.

No evidence

The Last Nail

Being a handyman isn't just about fixing things. It is about confidence, preparedness, and knowing when to wear gloves. Whether you are tightening bolts, replacing lightbulbs, or borrowing valuables from the Winslow estate, always remember to make sure you aren't being watched. So grab your tools, fake that accent, and take complete advantage of your employer. The world needs handymen, especially ones who know how to avoid tripping the alarm system.