Don’t Fear Getting Older — Finding Your Spark Again

We see them everywhere — dull-looking people trotting around like they own the place. No glimmer in their eyes, no skip in their step, looking like they haven’t had a proper sandwich in years. People who’ve lost their spark, yet continue to trudge forward through life. I’m tired of these “people” clogging up our sidewalks and comment sections, so I’ve decided to write this thoughtful piece with the earnest intent of inspiring even one uninspired wretch to pull themselves from utter obscurity.

So please, join me as I explain how you can reclaim your spark in three simple steps.

Step 1: How to Make a Proper Sandwich

To be fully transparent, I didn’t make it through writing the title of Step 1 before the cosmic sandwich forces pulled me to the kitchen, where I crafted a delectable Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. I hadn’t had one in ages, but life works in mysterious ways, so I didn’t question it. I wish we had white bread—unfortunately, we did not. Sourdough was plenty fine.

I was going to start this step by listing some blander sandwiches—Ham & Cheese, PB&J, and… I never could think of a third sandwich, because a PB&J just sounded too yummy. Now that I’m wiser and less sandwich-hungry, I can see clearly: there is no such thing as a bland sandwich. As long as you make your sandwich with love and respect, you will surely be rewarded. That sandwich rewarded me with a glimmer in my eye and a renewed wonder in the world. That’s why they call it Wonder Bread.

Making everything better

Step 2: The Joys of Taking a Long Nap at Work

One of the main reasons people look so lifeless and sickly these days is because they aren’t getting their beauty sleep. They try to go to bed early, maybe get a little rest, but by lunchtime the next day they’re exhausted again. They try to fight it with coffee or by mashing their fingers with a mallet, yet they’re barely able to make it to the end of the day without dozing off at their desk.

Why fight these urges we are so clearly meant to embrace? There is nothing wrong with dozing off at one’s own desk. Even better, Marilyn’s desk is in the warmer, more Christmas-y part of the office anyway—and she’s working from home today. Grab the pillows and blankets from your bottom drawer and make your move before the boss sees. Snuggle up under her desk and watch your problems melt away. Even if they find you one day, they’ll probably assume you’ve been working overnight and won’t want to disturb you. Sweet dreams.

Just what the doctor ordered

Step 3: Finding Your Spark the Old-Fashioned Way

We used to have such joy and playfulness—things that can be hard to hold onto as we age. Our spark doesn’t disappear; it diminishes over time. Some people try to fight this by picking up a new hobby, reading books, or moving to a new city. At first, these sound like viable options, yet they are utterly ineffective against the march of time. You inevitably become a sparkless old man who reads books or shuffles aimlessly around Sacramento.

Instead, think about your favorite childhood activities. When it rained, you would go outside and frolic around without worrying about taxes. When passing a telephone pole, you would climb it and swing from wire to wire with utter glee. When you found a fork lying on the kitchen floor, you would make a beeline for the electrical socket for a little zap. We didn’t wait around to find our spark—we pursued it relentlessly.

Man on a mission

Sparking a Conversation

So there you have it. Three simple, time-tested methods for reclaiming your spark, all of which have been widely ignored by modern society in favor of “self-improvement” and “the internet.”

You can keep trying new hobbies, moving to different cities, and reading books written by people who don't know shit. Or you can make a proper sandwich, take a nap where you’re not supposed to, and occasionally electrocute yourself to spice things up.

We didn’t lose our spark because we got older. We lost it because of the government.

But that's a tale for a different day.