How To - Business on the Golf Course in Five Easy Steps

From the dawn of time itself, leaders of the business world have known a secret that the average office worker could never begin to grasp. Real business is not conducted in conference rooms, over email, and definitely not on Microsoft Teams. Real business is conducted on the golf course.

Every day, millions of hardworking suckers waste their afternoons responding to emails and attending meetings while we leave the office behind for the comfort of a golf cart. Fortunately, this can be accomplished with a little determination and complete disregard for company policy.

Your boss stepping out for a "work call"

Step 1: Unshackle Yourself from Your Desk

The first obstacle standing between you and the golf course is your desk. Many employees make the mistake of believing they are required to remain at work during work hours. Management has perpetuated this myth ever since golf was invented.

Look around your workspace. What do you see? A computer. A chair. A framed picture of your family. These are not productive workplace tools. They are restraints.

Free yourself.

Insurance'll cover it

Step 2: Climb Out the Window

The average office contains dozens of exits, all of which are heavily monitored by coworkers, managers, and suspicious receptionists. Windows, however, remain one of the most underutilized pathways to business success.

A true professional understands that climbing out of a ground-floor window is a human right. Exiting a second-story window demonstrates initiative. A third-story window demonstrates leadership. Anything higher than that may hurt both you and your golf game, but your coworkers wouldn't dare question your dedication.

However, should anyone question you, simply explain that you have a different definition of workplace mobility.

Climbing the corporate ladder out of the office

Step 3: Just Say "I Gotta Go"

Once you've escaped the building, it is important to keep explanations to a minimum. Many inexperienced professionals become trapped in lengthy conversations.

"Where are you going?"

"Did I see you just climb out of the break room?"

"Why are you carrying golf clubs?"

These questions are designed to waste your valuable time. Instead, offer a simple response: "I gotta go."

If they attempt to pry further, it's probably too late for them. They'll never free themselves mentally or literally from their cubicle, and they definitely won't understand why you are scampering across the parking lot. Great leaders are often misunderstood.

Boss is working from home today

Step 4: Twin for the Win

Having a backup plan is necessary for success in the modern business world. Especially when your manager spots you teeing off at 11:30 on a Monday. This is precisely why any calculated businessperson drops subtle hints that they have a twin while at the office.

"My twin Alex is back in town."

"Having a twin is great, but people are always mixing us up."

"Alex is training for the local amateur tournament over at the public course again today."

Suddenly, what looked like a policy violation becomes nothing more than another case of mistaken identity.

A perfect family

Step 5: Never Yell "Fore!"

Many golfers will tell you that yelling "Fore!" protects other golfers from incoming danger. This is outdated thinking. Business requires discretion.

If you announce every decision before it happens, how can you possibly maintain a competitive advantage? The most successful executives operate in silence.

Should a golf ball unexpectedly strike a fellow golfer, simply tell them that you are conducting top-secret business. Likely a par-chasing professional themselves, they will certainly understand.

Hasn't gotten a raise in years

Bonus Tip: Always Have an Excuse for Why Your Camera Is Off

At some point, your employer may schedule a virtual meeting while you are on the course. Preparation is everything. A good excuse belongs in every golfer's bag.

"I'm experiencing connectivity issues."

"My webcam is updating."

"I'll call IT after the meeting"

"A bird has landed on my laptop."

The IT Team may not be hearing from you anytime soon, but the fairway will. All that field work is starting to pay off.

Nobody needs to know

Closing Thoughts

The traditional business world would have you believe that success comes from hard work, determination, and accountability. Today, we've learned that real success in business can be found not only chasing birdies, but deep in the woods looking for stray golf balls. Basically, as long as you are closer to the golf course than your office, you are probably moving your career in the right direction.

By freeing yourself from your desk, escaping through a nearby window, saying "I gotta go," introducing your golf-loving twin, refusing to yell "Fore," and keeping your camera off, you'll discover a level of business that simply can't be achieved from behind a desk.

Next time you see that tired old picture of your family on your desk, think about what you learned here, and take your business to the fairway.