Your Dream Beach Body: A Guide for When It’s Already June

Everyone knows the feeling: the first warm breeze hits, and you suddenly remember you’ve done absolutely nothing to prepare your body to be seen by another human. Anxious yet sedentary, you are on the internet looking for actionable steps to take. Don’t fret. Here I will give you some options that will solve your summer body problems.

Diet

While it’s probably too late, you’ll need to stop eating immediately. Put down that burger and pick up a cigarette. According to the CDC, nine out of ten doctors agree that nicotine is a safe and enjoyable way to suppress appetite.

While that may help, humans do need to eat food eventually for “nutrients.” Popularized by Linda Belcher, I recommend the Skin Deep diet plan. Fruits are one of the most nutrient-dense foods you can enjoy because they’re packed with vitamins. However, fruits also contain plenty of calories and natural sugars, which are detrimental to losing weight as quickly as possible. Therefore, you must limit yourself to eating only the skin of the fruit. If you’ve been good, you may enjoy a rind now and then.

You can exercise if you’re into that sort of thing, but you should lose weight quickly just by following the diet plan I’ve outlined.

Remove the fruit to get to the rind

Hide Away in Shame

A beach body is completely unnecessary if you avoid the beach and going outdoors altogether. If you are blessed enough to have the funds and freezer space, you should quit your job and go shopping. You need to stock up on enough food to make it through the whole summer without going outdoors.

You should stockpile survival essentials like vegetables, rice, and doughnuts. You’ll need to freeze some of your doughnuts, cookies, and pizza so that they last all summer and you don’t need to resort to the veggies or rice.

If you finish all of your good food and find your green beans unappetizing, you can always Doordash. I recommend ordering at night, when the darkness will hide your body from any nosy neighbors.

Neighbor who is in good shape

A Summer to Remember

Some people say that the only way to get in shape and lose weight is to quit dessert and work out. However, the truth is that the only options you have are the Skin Deep diet or a summer-long reclusion. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing you this summer, in the smoking area or not at all.